{big warm hugs to Angie®}

right. I’m in strange mood and in a strange state of mind.
I want to go out and do stuff, buy stuff, old books mainly, to scan the fonts and use them to create stuff, I want a new table but I have nowhere to put it, I want silver boots but I can’t find such a thing  round here and for fuck’s sake, I want to be thinner but I can’t buy that anywhere and that annoys the hell out of me.
One minute I think I need a new computer to play all the fancy computer games on, the next minute I remember that 1) I get all sick and headachy when I play computer games and 2) I have no money to buy a really good computer.
One minute I think I need a remote control thing for my DSLR camera to make better photos, the next minute I know that my photos suck anyway and that I don’t need such a thing.
This remote control only costs 30 Francs by the way, so that is not a problem of not having enough money. This is just a problem of me not being able to decide WHAT I FUCKING WANT.

I want to go to Zurich and walk through the city, take photographs of everything and nothing, smiling at the old beautiful buildings and at the fact that nobody else seems to notice their beauty. I want to go on one of those boats on Lake Zurich and travel from Zurich to Rapperswil or the other way round but I know there will be tons of other people because the weather’s so nice and besides, it’s too late to do that today.

I slept 11 hours last night but I look and feel as if I spent those hours in a washing machine running in spin cycle.

There is this graphic tablet sitting on my desk about 70 cm away from me. It is that exact tablet that made me buy windows 7 last year. It was (the not correctly installed) Windows 7 that made my computer slow and rendered me unable to use any of the Adobe progs. It’s the not running Adobe progs that made me use the laptop for the last 7 months because they were still working on it. It’s the tiny screen of the laptop that stopped me from doing anything in any Adobe prog, because I just can’t see a thing on it. It is that circumstance that made me reinstall win7 on the PC. So it is all working again now. Except this bloody tablet which I haven’t installed yet because I just can’t be arsed to to so. I don’t need it. I can’t draw, not on paper, not on a screen, no matter how many graphic tablets I buy.

I should make a bracelet for someone in the UK. I should finish one of the books and send it off.
I have about 50 unread books to read. I have about as many books to write.

I feel the need, the urge to create things. No matter what – write, draw, paint, take photographs, create cards and posters, make music (haha – I don’t even play an instrument), sing, talk. And at the same time, I’m building a wall right in front of me, made of “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”-bricks.

Do you know that feeling… being bored and feeling unable to do anything at the same time?
It’s like being trapped in a big giant bowl of cotton candy. It smells and it stops you from moving the way you want and the more you try to move, the stickier and slower you get.

———–

I’ve been listening to this song for days on end now.
Imogen Heap – First Train Home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax84xcaLfHs

I seem to dream rather … Unreal stuff these days.
Last night I dreamt I was sleeping in a room in a house quite similar to the one I actually live in.
The window was open, there were trees outside an suddenly I heard a
loud sound. A panda climbed through the window into my room and
seemed to get angry when the door to the living room wasn’t open…
I got up and opened the door as well as the door in the living room
leading to the garden while the panda pursued me and bit my shoulder
which – surprisingly – didn’t hurt.

I went after the animal into the garden where my mother was sitting on a bench, a Bernese mountain dog lying next to her. I asked if a panda had passed… she said the dog was the only animal she’d seen in this garden for a while.
As I looked at the dog I saw his eyes… the panda’s eyes. Round and black.

Creepy!!

sometimes it would just be so great to have someone to say those little words.

it’s okay.

something’s going on behind my back… something sketchy and blurred…

something I cannot see

And I’m like a leaf on a tree, always there but never quite noticed.

(can’t remember whether I alreday posted that somewhere…)

I think I might have figured out why I don’t like spring.
When I was younger, I hated spring.
and today, while I was listening to a song by chairlift (birds were singing at the beginning of the song) I somehow suddenly knew.

Spring is the season of beginnings, everything comes “back to life” again. Everything starts anew. Gets another chance to do better than last year.
But I don’t start. I don’t change. I’m always the same. Not that I couldn’t, I just don’t.
And that’s what really annoys me. I just let pass every chance I could have had.

So I guess what I really don’t like about spring is that it shows me every year that I’m a lazy fat ass.
Sooo, the thing I really really really don’t like is … me.

those words kind of … flew through my head, light as a butterfly in the first summer breeze, while I was riding my horse today…

A piece of sky is reflecting in a dirty puddle
as I ride through the rain