very much alive

I felt very alive this morning… the cold, the rain on my face… a bit like bleeding. but not as painful.

It’s amazing how weather changes the mood of people…
dancing leaves and wind, the colours of autumn can make me feel like a little child, happiness floating like a warm pink cloud inside my body… filling every cell with joy, making me want to sing and dance and smile all the time… but I don’t feel alive then, it’s more like a trip… my mind is clouded and I don’t know the reason for the happiness… I’m floating on that cloud and can’t feel where my body ends and the rest of the world begins… a bit scary, really.
Snowflakes do a similar thing to me…

But rain… that’s the time when I can see clearly, when I know where I stand and my mind isn’t playing tricks and pretending to be on a trip… I’ve never had any drugs by the way… I like to bee in control.

so. that much for now… maybe there will be more this evening.

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