{big warm hugs to Angie®}
right. I’m in strange mood and in a strange state of mind.
I want to go out and do stuff, buy stuff, old books mainly, to scan the fonts and use them to create stuff, I want a new table but I have nowhere to put it, I want silver boots but I can’t find such a thing round here and for fuck’s sake, I want to be thinner but I can’t buy that anywhere and that annoys the hell out of me.
One minute I think I need a new computer to play all the fancy computer games on, the next minute I remember that 1) I get all sick and headachy when I play computer games and 2) I have no money to buy a really good computer.
One minute I think I need a remote control thing for my DSLR camera to make better photos, the next minute I know that my photos suck anyway and that I don’t need such a thing.
This remote control only costs 30 Francs by the way, so that is not a problem of not having enough money. This is just a problem of me not being able to decide WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
I want to go to Zurich and walk through the city, take photographs of everything and nothing, smile at the old beautiful buildings and at the fact that nobody else seems to notice their beauty. I want to go on one of those boats on Lake Zurich and travel from Zurich to Rapperswil or the other way round but I know there will be tons of other people because the weather’s so nice and besides, it’s too late to do that today.
I slept 11 hours last night but I look and feel as if I spent those hours in a washing machine running in spin cycle.
There is this graphic tablet sitting on my desk about 70 cm away from me. It is that exact tablet that made me buy windows 7 last year. It was (the not correctly installed) Windows 7 that made my computer slow and rendered me unable to use any of the Adobe progs. It’s the not running Adobe progs that made me use the laptop for the last 7 months because they were still working on it. It’s the tiny screen of the laptop that stopped me from doing anything in any Adobe prog, because I just can’t see a thing on it. It is that circumstance that made me reinstall win7 on the PC. So it is all working again now. Except this bloody tablet which I haven’t installed yet because I just can’t be arsed to to so. I don’t need it. I can’t draw, not on paper, not on a screen, no matter how many graphic tablets I buy.
I should make a bracelet for someone in the UK. I should finish one of the books and send it off.
I have about 50 unread books to read. I have about as many books to write.
I feel the need, the urge to create things. No matter what – write, draw, paint, take photographs, create cards and posters, make music (haha – I don’t even play an instrument), sing, talk. And at the same time, I’m building a wall right in front of me, made of «YOU CAN’T DO THAT!»-bricks.
Do you know that feeling… being bored and feeling unable to do anything at the same time?
It’s like being trapped in a big giant bowl of cotton candy. It smells and it stops you from moving the way you want and the more you try to move, the stickier and slower you get.
———–
I’ve been listening to this song for days on end now.
Imogen Heap – First Train Home
I do know that feeling! It’s the worst… I feel like that all the time. Especially with my drawing. I got one of those graphic tablets too-! and it’s taking me forever to get the hang of using it. Sigh… I really bought this computer, too, so that it could actually handle Adobe programs. But I’m glad I bought it anyway, it’s the best computer I ever owned. Even if I’m still paying it back : P
It’s the same feeling I get when I have to get out of bed on a freezing cold day (at the moment my heater is broken, so I can’t heat my room)- MAN is it hard to get going…
don’t worry about being thinner-! you get exercise on your horse; I don’t expect that you eat like a saint but I suppose you don’t eat like a pig either… what you probably are is your healthy weight. Why don’t we both send a hearty FUCK YOU to the fashion industry that makes us pine after what would probably be an unhealthy weight for either of us… I’m feeling a bit pudgy at the moment too; I made a big bowl of chocolate custard last night, which probably didn’t help but man was it good!
Drawing is all about practice- now I can’t say that I’m a great drawer too, but doodling constantly has led to a huge improvement. It’s like music; like all creative endeavors. practice is the key, but I’m the kind of person who is greatly disheartened by being crap at things to begin with- I want to be great at everything at the beginning, not just at the end : P.
I’ve been keeping busy these last couple of days cleaning out a shed on this property- it looks like we will be opening a shop over winter- «we» being the crowd of creative people that hang around here. to sell sculptures, books, paintings and the «junk» that I deal in over the Internet- mostly retro porcelain, clothes etc. We plan to run this shop as a group. Twill be a great earner if we can get it going, but there’s a lot of work that has to go into it first…